Well I think I have reached a new stage of paranoia. Last night when I came home from worship, I began talking to my husband about practice. In my normal fragmented speech.
Me:
"Susie and Byron have joined the group, we had so much fun, Becky is so funny, I am doing special music did you know that, Yea with Michelle, actually the whole group is doing it. I have to check my email because Kathy said she keeps sending me emails and I am not getting any, Becky said something about yahoo, but I don't want another one, OHH don't let me forget to send the chili recipe to Kelly, do you know where it is I have been looking forever for it, I gave her the one for poor man's steak.."
My Husband:
"Poor mans Steak! Nonoooononoono. That is a secret family recipe, I am so ashamed..."
I burst into tears. What followed was fifteen minutes of my husband explaining that he was joking. What is wrong with me? We do that all the time, going back and forth with playful loving jabs at each other. Nothing even remotely close to being meanspirited. But last night when he said he was ashamed of me, they were words I couldn't take. Why is that? I know better. Right before I left for practice he pulled me close, hugged and kissed me, and told me how proud he was of me. That I was doing great! But in that one moment all of my fears resurfaced.
It has been happening a lot lately. I have become a lot more sensitive than normal. I have two theories on what is going on.
One) it could be hormonal. and I will stop there for my male readers..girls you know what I am talking about. OR....
Two) it could be that I am actually becoming more ME than I have ever been in my life. When we tear down those walls we build, we become so penetrable. I know that recently God has been continually stripping away years of protective layers that I have accumulated. Brick by brick He is getting to the heart of me. Just this Sunday I spent the whole service in tears because the message hit so close to home. It was titled "Ghost's of Christmas past." How we had to let go and forgive others, and ourselves. I needed that message. Especially this time of year.
I can't believe that it has been only a year since I came home. I think about how far God has taken me and I am astounded. So I guess this is all par for the course. I knew when I decided back in January of this year that I would no longer be a pleaser, but have faith in the love of others. That it wouldn't be easy. That it was going to be something that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I knew without doing that, and being completely "out there" I would never know for sure if people genuinely loved me. I have become so much more grounded, more stable, more loving, and more secure in the relationships I do have. I have also grown so close to Him. I found this hunger for His word and a desire to fellowship that I never thought or imagined could ever be possible. I found out that God thinks that I am valuable to Him. I am His child, His bride, His beloved.
So now I am thinking on the future, and wondering what His plan could be for me. How He has best made me to serve. That is exciting, and I guess that this sensitivity is part of it. Because I am no longer that Andrea surrounded by a sheild of doubt and a hard coating to reflect everything off of. But I am now Andrea made out of clay continually being molded into what He wants me to be. Formed and reformed, soft plyable, and wanting to be sculpted into His masterpeice. And I know that no matter what I am protected because after all, I am in His hand.
Isaiah 64:8
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.
Jeremiah 18:6
"O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand.
2 Corinthians 4
Treasures in Jars of Clay
1Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. 3And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. 6For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"[a]made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
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