I have spent the better part of this week fighting a losing battle. Sure, I place on a brave face to cover up my blackened eyes, and walk through the day masking my limp. Greeting my loved ones with toothless smiles and gentle hugs, cordial words to hide the bruising and happy refrains to disguise the pain. But inside there has been an all out battle royal raging. It began last Thursday when I got a call from my OBGYN.
“Well Andrea, as you know you took two blood tests yesterday, one you passed and one you failed. The one you failed is for Gestational Diabetes. You need to go have more blood work done to determine how bad it is. Or if the failed test was just a fluke. Let's set you up with that appointment now.”
'Wonderful' I thought. 'What next?'
It is always when we ask those questions we get an answer. I moped and pouted, got angry and annoyed. I self destructed, acted out, behaved badly to my husband and son. Was snippy and irrational, just a totally joy to be around (emphasis on sarcasm there). That is when I began to I fight against God. Lets call it round one.
It was short lived, or so I thought. I won that round, it was a quick one two three pin. We took the next test and it came back that I was fine. I was grateful, but even that rejoicing was short. Because not an hour later another blow came:
“Hello Andrea, this is the credit union, your account balance seems to be overdrawn.”
“GREAT” I screamed “this is just great! Does it never end? I am sick of this! What in the world are we doing wrong.”
Just then the answer hit me like hammer to the head. “Do you really want to know?”
There was God's submission hold on my heart. His finishing move. (What were you expecting? Plagues and floods?) God has a way of using the Holy Spirit to deliver these fatal blows. And just like a knife they cut to the quick of the problem.
This simple question was really it after all, “Did I really want to know?” I realized during all my self destruction, whining complaining and wrestling I never really asked the important question: “What is the lesson here? What am I missing?”
I firmly believe that EVERY struggle, and joy is a lesson. Not one of those, 'Life is a test, did you pass?' kind of things. But rather a learning experience where God is the teacher, we are the students and these lessons or tests are to better equip us for the blessings He has in store. Think of it this way: You would not give your five year old the keys to the car and say, “Here you go darling, you have been really good today. No time outs, and you finished your peas, so you can go drive the car around the block. Have fun!” That would just be insanity. God does the same thing with us.
If you read The Beatitudes Jesus lays it out before us.
Luke 6:20-26
20Looking at his disciples, he said:
"Blessed are you who are poor,
for yours is the kingdom of God.
21Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
22Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.
23"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.
24"But woe to you who are rich,
for you have already received your comfort.
25Woe to you who are well fed now,
for you will go hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
26Woe to you when all men speak well of you,
for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.
Are these not life lessons? They ask us to seek God, be happy with what we have, and strive to find peace within the promises of the Lord. They also warn us that the joys of this world are short lived. That we cannot do it alone. That the only JOY one will find is in the presence of God Himself. Oh how quickly we forget during these battles with God.
Now God will bless us just because He wants to. Think of your last breath. THAT WAS A BLESSING. One that God ordained because He loves us. But He wants more for us than just to breathe. He wants us to have life in full. How many times are we like nothing more than spoiled children entering the throne room of God with a laundry list of “wants” for God. How many times do we pout throughout the day, and look to other things than His arms to soothe us. That is what this week was for me. Nothing but griping and moaning. I WANT LORD! I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! Make it easier for me!
Think about Jacob, and his wrestling match with the Lord. This was at a time where he was not really in the best of places and his trust God was wavering.
Genesis 32
9 Then Jacob prayed, "O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, O LORD, who said to me, 'Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,' 10 I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two groups. 11 Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. 12 But you have said, 'I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.' "
Do you see the laundry list he took to God? Had God not promised to protect and prosper him? But it seems that Jacob struggled with the same doubts that we all have. There he went back and forth. “Lord you said this, but I don't trust you. Lord you promised that, but were you just placating me?” He even set up some 'insurance' just in case God was not one of His word. Genesis 32
19 He also instructed the second, the third and all the others who followed the herds: "You are to say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. 20 And be sure to say, 'Your servant Jacob is coming behind us.' " For he thought, "I will pacify him with these gifts I am sending on ahead; later, when I see him, perhaps he will receive me." 21 So Jacob's gifts went on ahead of him, but he himself spent the night in the camp.
So there he sat in the camp. Praying and calling out to the Lord. But in all that praying and calling out to God what happened? He ended up WRESTLING with GOD HIMSELF!
Genesis 32:24
24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.
What audacity one might think. Was he crazy? But how many times do we do the exact same thing. I know I did this week. Hitting my knees I would call out.
“Oh Lord what is going on? What else can come up against me? I know you said that You have plans for me, that you Love me and that you will take care of me. But what about our money situation? Ok so you did bless me and answer my prayer that my baby and I would be safe and healthy. But what about the money Lord? Ok ok I know that you said that you would Provide, but .. but .. but.”
There I sat and wrestled with God myself. Back and forth I went, just like Jacob.
Genesis 32
24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
Do you see what happened there? God touched Jacobs hip and caused Jacob not to wrestle but to cling to God. However Jacob would not let go until he received his blessing. There he clung, holding on tight. It was only then that Jacob was asked a very important question: “What is your name?” Simple really, but when you look at the origin of his name the picture becomes clearer. Jacob means “he grasps the heel, supplanter.”
What a life to lead, it seems to me that up until this point Jacob was very insecure about God's promises. He stole his blessing from his brother, ran from his native land, tried to barter for his bride (that didn't work out too well), and then he tried to pacify Esau regardless of the promise that God would protect him.
But it is then that God changes his name, to none other than Israel. “For you have struggled with God and men and have overcome.” It took a moment for Jacob to understand exactly what had happened. Why was it then that he was transformed? He even asked for the name of the Man he had wrestled. But when God answered him “Why do you ask my name?” and blessed him. It all became clear.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
What a revelation! How humbling and amazing that must have been for him. He wrestled with God and yet he was spared. How amazing our Lord is that He allows us to just rail against Him. Wrestling with our inner self and trying to do it our way. He loves us so much that it is another part of the process of growing closer to Him. He even answers us, “Why do you ask my Name?” I take it as don't you remember who I AM? I am your God, the One who Provides and Protects. The One who loves you even when you scream at Me and wrestle me until dawn. I felt that same feeling this week when I heard God's answer to my laundry list of why's. “Do you really want to know?”
Just like Jacob I hit my knees again. I realized I too was not relying on God's promises, rather I was trying to figure it out for myself. My problem (very much like Jacob's) was trust. I did not trust in the words of God. Rather, I wanted what was not mine to have...... yet. This lesson was about RELYING ON HIM. In all aspects of my life, all instances, all moments. Just like Jacob God had touched my “hip” and made me cling to Him.
“Let me carry you through this storm.”
He had spoken soft and true, but I still tried to fight against the wind.
I am now tired, from my wrestling match with the Lord but strangely content. My injuries were self inflicted after all, and I have the Holy Counselor to dress my wounds. To restore my heart and my peace. So here I rest, in His arms, in His promises as we continue to walk through these valleys of my life. He is with me, and it took a wrestling match to remember that. And again the score comes up God = 1 Andrea = 0.
I really wouldn't have it any other way.
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